A Question of Faith

The first time I was diagnosed was two years ago this month. It didn't really sink in right away, because the tumor in my chest was pushing on my heart. The next day I had to go to Christians Hospital and they did some echo's which showed the tumor was causing the sac around my heart to be ten times the size it should be. So the very next day they performed whats called a paracardio window to drain the fluid and then later that night they transferred me to Barnes. So I didn't go through the shock that most people do when finding out they have cancer because when I found out, it was like a whirlwind of action and I didn't have time to think about it.

I ended up getting a bone marrow transplant in October of that year.(2010) Went through many Dr. appointments over the following months where my blood counts kept coming back fine and everything looked good. Then one night in July I had a terrible couging fit where I was coughing up stuff into my trash can. I finished coughing rolled over and went back to sleep. When I woke up I looked in the can and it was filled with blood. Contacted my Oncologist and she got me in that day for a CT scan to see what the problem was. They had me waiting after the scan to get the results and my Doc came down and pulled me into a side room. She told me that my tumor had reactivated and I needed to be admitted the next day. This time finding out, after assuming that everything was gonna be ok because the transplant is supposed to cure you, it hit me like a giant punch in the stomach. So much so that as I was leaving, I had to stop and throw up in one of the plastic plants they have on the 3rd floor of the CAM (my bad Barnes, you can bill me for it). I even threw up when I got out to the parking garage. Next day I was admitted and started radiation and chemo. Once done it had knocked the tumor into submission, and the only thing left was to undergo a series of 3 DLI's (Donor Lymphocyte Infusions). They are done in order to jump start the bone marrow transplant and have it hopefully get back to work and finish off the lymphoma. I had my last DLI on January 6 of this year. All my follow up appointments and blood counts were going good.

But we all know what happened next, I got a viral infection and they gave me another CT scan and found that the tumor in my chest was still with lymphoma and they also found new masses under my arm, in between my diaphragm and lung, and in my stomach. So I'm nearing a month in the hospital but should be released soon.

However, I'm just giving you background information. I have been mulling this column idea over and over in my head for well over a week now. It's a question I've mulled over for nearly two years now. The question that I've been asking myself and struggling with is, "what should I say or do as an atheist when people tell me they are praying for me or that I'm on their prayer list"? If you've ever been seriously hurt or ill, or had a loved one who was sick, then you know how often people say these types of things to you.

I originally would always just nod and say thank you. I always felt a little awkward because I appreciated it even though I don't share their faith, but I felt like I was wasting peoples time. If God is real and I am a nonbeliever are they wasted prayers? Could that time be spent on someone more worthy than me?

Recently I've had a sort of epiphany. When someone tells you they are praying for you, I realized that, that is literally the nicest possible thing they can do for you. If a person believes and God and the power of prayer, praying for someone is better than anything else people can do for you. So I no longer nod my head ad say thanks, i thank them profusely and if it's in person I'll give them a big old hug. My personal beliefs still haven't changed, but I think that now I have a greater understanding of what it really means to have someone praying for you. I do continue to explore the bible and religious websites, almost nightly I try a little prayer hoping that maybe I will feel something that changes my belief. So far that has not happened. i also want to state that if things don't go my way I will not be a death bed convert, I think if God exists he would see that as someone just trying to hedge their bets.

I guess what I want to say to everyone, I truly appreciate your prayers regardless of my personal beliefs. I understand what it means to you, and that makes it mean the world to me. So my sincere thanks to everyone who has me on a prayer list.

Fred


P.S. tomorrow we will try to get back on the funny train, I've got a few stories from the weekend, but I was having such problems with my hands I coudn't even try to type.