The Sins of Myself

When I was first diagnosed two years ago, I was pretty sure they were going to say "even though your only 27, the fact that you've drank like a pirate and smoked a pack a day for 7 years is why your fat ass is here". But that turned out not to be the case! My life of debauchery didn't give me cancer, awesome, so what did?

"It's a mutatation in your genes that happened to manifest now. It could have happened when you were younger, it could have happened when you got older, it just happened now".

Ohhhhh, a genetic mutation. I've seen movies about genetic mutations before. THe characters didn't get cancer, one of them shot fire from his eyes. One of the guys had claws and was indestructible for petes sake! How come my mutation didn't make me an X-Man? Better still since the X-Men don't exist, it would have turned me into an "F-Man" which is a thousand times cooler.

Side note. This was the first day me and my oncologist ever met

I can see thoughts running through her head, "is this idiot serious?" "I must have drawn the short straw to get this assclown for a patient", "did he really just refer to himself as an 'F-Man'"?

But being a true pro she laughed as she quickly realized I was bullshitting her and we've had a spectacular relationship ever since. She's one of the few people outside my "circle" (that sounds gay) that gets me and my humor. There are quite a few others, mainly people I went to school with who thought the guy who used to use the Wal-Mart paging system to ask "will Phil Atio please meet his party in the car, agan customer page for a Mr. Phil Atio, please meet your party at the car." If you don't get the joke, you should have paid attention in fucking class.

So again, cannot stress enough how awesome it is to have a doctor in a situation like that who gets you. It is also a huge bonus that her native language is English. I got no problems with the doctors I've met that work here who are from foreign countries, I just don't think they would have gotten my way of looking at things.

But I have digressed far too much, probably to the point of you wondering 'what the hell does this have to do with the title?" A litte so far but not a lot. I said earler that it wasn't my seedy drinking, smoking, steak eating, man whoring ways that gave me the cancer, it was genetic mutation. I didn't think about that much after my initial diagnosis, I spent two months in the hospital receiving daily spinal taps and other chemo treatments. After not responding to the original chemo, we flipped the script and went for the Stem cell/ Bone Marrow transplant. Although the process was hell the result was good. Things were looking up and it had only been less than a year! Hell I only hit one birthday (28) before the transplant.

Fast forward 10 months and it's mid July, I've been out each day at practice working with the players and honing my skills as the "ball coach" (your forgiven if you don't know what that is). Then strangely I started to feel like pure hell every day. Woke up one night and coughed a lung up into my trash can. When I woke up the next morning I was relieved to find out I did not actually cough a lung up, but instead had coughed up a bucket of blood. So back to the hospital for a CT scan. My doc came down after the scan and "yada yada yada, tumor's back, pushing on your heart and were admitting you".

After 3 weeks in and some awesome radiation treatments (NOT) the tumor was shrunk and we decided that infusions of donor cells would jump start the transplant and I could go back to kicking ass and making it rain touchdowns on our foes. Well we know how that turned out, we made very little rain and the infusions were lazier than my neighbors Puerto Rican gardner.

So as I sit here late night at the hospital again, it occurs to me, just why in the hell did my genes decide to mutate now. Hence the title of the post. They said my awesome and badass lifestyle didn't cause it. Was it God? As we can recall from the archives of this very site, I don't believe in God. So to me that can't be it. I've been in one long term relationship in my life, and I know I hurt her when I broke it off, was karma punishing me? I doubt it, she wasn't that nice to begin with, not to mention completely incompatable over the long haul. Did betting that a couple who's wedding I was at would last less than a year karma-fuck me? (FYI: I freaking nailed it, they divorced in 6 months) I doubt it, they're the ones who made a mockery of the institution of marriage (That was hard to type with a straight face).

The reason I'm trying to figure it out is because it's a puzzle to me. I clearly am no saint, and no one would ever claim I was. But I have done good things, and I plan on doing more good things. My first two friends who got married and had children failed me by producing girls, I can't turn a girl into the greatest quarterback the world has ever seen! But my best friend and his wife (also one of my best friends) have gotten themselves knocked up and I think were gonna geet lucky with this child and I will have a protege to teach the many intricacies of the forward pass too. I also turn 30 this year. I think that's supposed to be a big deal, but I plan on spending it playing craps and smoking a Cuban Cigar. (Shhhh, don't tell the authorities)

My doctor came in to see me today and we talked about if this treatment puts the cancer in "remission" than they have several donors lined up and ready to go. There is also a couple of clinical studies they can try to get in. The problem is that the studies are for ALL which is Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia, while I have Acute Lymphoblastic Lymphoma, and evidently I'm the only motherfucker in the world who has it! Or so it seems. I'm sure there's some other folks with it too. The best part about seeing the Doc this morning was that it was just her and I so I could ask her questions that i don't ask when Mom is around because she doesn't need to hear them. Primarily, "what are my chances?" The answer to that question is immaterial though, as she explained if she said "your gonna live to be 80, I might not hit 30 this summer, and vice versa, if she says not good, I'll probably end up being a radio play by play announcer for a Canadian minor league baseball team in Manitoba when I'm 75. Living on scotch and Pall Malls (if they even make those anymore).

I guess this post was more of a way for me to ramble and wonder and hopefully make everyone who reads it laugh at LEAST three times during the stories. If your stuck on two then read below as I will tell you the greatest joke I know, warning it is rated R. All the way R. but not till the end.

Fred

The Joke

A young woman named Hariett is about to be married to her sweetheart Robert. The only problem is that Hariett is concerned about the size of her 'opening". She goes to her mother to discuss the roblem, "mother I am a virgin as is Robert but there is no way he will believe me when we go to consumate on our wedding night!"
Her mother says "Hariett, don't worry this is a condition that all the women in our family have, you can do the same thing I did when I married your father. Go to the store and buy some raw liver and position it in there and he will never know the difference"
Skeptical but willing to do anything Hariett follows her mothers advice. She and Robert are married in a beautiful ceremony and enjoy a lavish reception that nearly the whole town attends.
They then return to their new home and engage in EIGHT HOURS of lovemaking. When Hariett awakes in the morning she finds herself alone but with a note on the pillow next to her, and it reads,

My Darling Hariett,
Last night was the most incredible night of my life. To think that we almost ruined such a spectacular thing, it makes my heart sing that we waited until our marriage to consumate our love. I would be there with you even now, but I am already hard at work so I can earn enough money to build us that white picket fence which will be able to corrall our animals and give us a wonderful yard for the many many children I hope that we have. I miss you already and when the work day is over I will be home faster than the wind blows so that we can be together again.

Your devoted and loving husband,

Robert


P.S. Your CUNT is in the sink!